I Didn’t Want to Say Sorry

I didn’t want to say sorry. So, I chose to gargle the pride in my mouth and let it linger overnight! It’s interesting how easy it is for us to just sweep things under the rug and ignore the nudge of the Holy Spirit, especially when our ego is hurt or when we focus on ourselves and selfish desires.

Yesterday, during a roadtrip bonding with my older sister, we got into a conversation about pursuing certain studies that we were passionate about. As I was sharing about mine, I unintentionally put my passion on a pedestal and made it seem like it had a more meaningful purpose than hers. Our conversation and bonding didn’t turn sour, by God’s grace, but my heart knew that I wasn’t careful with my words and motives.

What was I thinking? Looking back, I realized how selfish and proud I was to believe in the lie that I needed to prove that I was better. Even though it was unintentional for me to carelessly react that way, I was reminded of Matthew 12:34 where it says,

“You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”

Obviously, my heart was already overflowing with pride and insecurities even before our roadtrip. So, when I had that conversation with my sister, the words just naturally flowed from my heart to my mouth. And unfortunately, it wasn’t a moment that I was proud of.

We still had the rest of the afternoon and evening to bond and although I knew there was pride in my heart, I did not say sorry immediately. I just disregarded it and continued to have a good time with her. Later that night, I remembered my pride and thought, “Why should I even bring it up? I don’t need to apologize for the way I acted earlier today. She seems fine.” But, I praise God for the Holy Spirit that cares and convicts.

This morning, God opened the eyes of my heart. It happened while I was throwing trash in a brown paper bag of Frankie’s inside our kitchen. The frankie’s staff apparently wrote these words on the paper bag before they gave it to us last night: “You are enough just as you are.” This hit me hard. Immediately, I knew that God was renewing my mind and reminding me of my true security in Jesus. I didn’t need to prove myself or seek affirmation and praise from people. I didn’t need to nurture the pride in my heart because clearly, everything that I am is only by the grace of God.

So, with His help, I reached out to my sister this afternoon and apologized for my behavior and pride yesterday. She was gracious in forgiving me and making me feel loved by her! 

This is just a simple struggle that God needed to deal in my heart and I do praise Him for His endless pursuit and pruning in my life. By the power of the Holy Spirit in us, we CAN choose to humble ourselves and forgive others no matter how big or small the struggle is. I pray that I will continue to grow in this aspect as I expose the dirt and hurt and let God work in and through me. For the love of the relationships that He has blessed me with and for His glory, ultimately.

P.S. Thanks, temic, for our roadtrip bonding yesterday!