Almost 30 and Still Single

Yup! Single since birth.

I just attended the wedding of one of my closest friends this weekend. After the reception, I went to my room to rest early, but I ended up having this headache (maybe from dehydration) mixed with a flurry of thoughts about marriage and my singleness. I started counting the number of weddings I attended since I graduated from college (9 years ago) and I realized that last night was already wedding #20. I told myself “Wow, parang yung movie na “27 Dresses” lang ah. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride? Haha.” But despite the soft laugh I gave myself, I knew that my heart was silently asking the question “Why, Lord?”

 

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

“Why am I still single, Lord? Is it because of my physical appearance? My personality? My friendships and relationships? Consequences of my past sins?” As I wondered about it and even entertained some lies in my mind, I noticed how my assumptions were all about me.

I realized that even my singleness IS NOT about me, what I have, or what I lack. It is still about God, His grace and faithfulness, and His good and perfect will.

The Lord has been speaking to my heart ever since I started dating years ago. I have had so many humbling lessons learned, rebukes, and gracious moments I’ve encountered with the Lord. Some recent ones were revealed through songwriting. Last year, I noticed that 7 out of the 17 songs I wrote were directly related to my heart’s struggle with my non-existent love life. Every time I play them, I remember both the ache and peace that I felt as I wrote them and opened my heart to the Lord.

I am sincerely happy for family and friends who transitioned into marriage and parenthood through the years. And by God’s grace, friends would tell me how they notice that I am still joyful despite not being in a relationship. But honestly, there would still be times when I would struggle in my mind and heart, despite knowing that Jesus remained single until death and yet His life gave glory to God. Sometimes, I would find myself crying as I drive through the traffic along C5 on the way home, just being quiet before the Lord. Other times, my heart would feel a slight sting when I catch a glimpse of couples holding hands or expressing their love and commitment to each other.

Moreover, when people would tell me that they are praying for my future husband, or hope that I will have one, or even insist that I WILL have a future husband in God’s perfect timing, I can’t help but wonder, “Yes, I do have the desire for marriage. But why does it seem like getting married is more favorable than being single? What if it isn’t His will for me to have a future husband? Because that IS a possibility.”

Recently, someone casually told me “Okay yan, at least hindi ka pa thirt—“. Then, she stopped when she realized she was walking on eggshells. I responded with “Why? What’s wrong with being 30 already?” She didn’t continue the conversation anymore. This 2020 will be my 30th year on Earth. A part of me is extremely grateful as I look back on the journey that God allowed me to go through with him in the past decades. But another part of me is whispering to myself, “Oh no. You are almost 30 and STILL single.”

 

THE CRY OF MY HEART

There are a few reasons why I am sharing these things on the blog. First, documenting my struggles and victories through writing helps me process my thoughts. Somehow, being able to express these in words makes the burden in my heart feel lighter. Second, in case there are others out there who also feel the same way or go through similar situations, I want to let you know that you are not alone in this. This topic is usually kept in secret as it may come off as a sensitive issue, but I realized how talking about this may help those who also struggle with it. And lastly, I do want to share the hope and joy that we have in Jesus, even as I am struggling with this.

Before writing this post, I was having an honest conversation with the Lord and I told Him that…

…my heart was breaking not just because of my singleness, but because I could see how my heart isn’t content in Him,

despite surrendering my life to Jesus and accepting Him as my personal Lord and Savior. I then recalled similar patterns of personal brokenness, impurity, insecurities, and idolatry in my past dating experiences and I asked for the Lord’s forgiveness.

Indeed, nothing or no one can ever fully satisfy the deepest longings of our souls and hearts. ONLY JESUS CAN. 

As I opened my heart to the Lord, He reminded me of His unending love and grace and of Psalm 73:25-26 specifically, which says: Whom have I in Heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” 

This is the cry of my heart — to long for Jesus and His Word more than anyone or anything else, all the days of my life. Should He desire for me to get married someday, I pray that my heart will respond in total surrender to His timing and will and that He alone would be glorified. But for now, I would like to humbly ask for your prayers, as I continue in this journey of singleness and battle discontentment by the power of the Holy Spirit. I pray that the work of my hands would be productive and that the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart will be pleasing to God (Psalm 19:14).

Sharing with you a draft recording of a song I wrote last June 2019, entitled “This Is Love”. This best expresses how I feel about this concern. Whatever season you may be at right now, whether you are 30, 40, 50, 60 years old and single, I hope this will also encourage your heart to desire and seek the Lord each day. He loves us so much. More than we can ever imagine.

When Anxiety Attacks

Earlier today, I sent out messages to some of my accountability partners because of my heavy heart. I remember having anxious thoughts about certain concerns that I have been dealing with recently. After asking for their prayers, the burden felt lighter. However, on my way home from work, the thoughts came back again. This time, they were darker.

As soon as I stepped out of the office, I knew that I had to talk to God about my anxieties. So, while I was driving, I played the songs I wrote last year which were based on Biblical truths. For the first 30 minutes of my drive home, I felt peace in my heart as I was in awe of how amazing and comforting God’s Word is. I thanked Him for His grace and the privilege of writing and singing His truths. But, during the second half of my drive home, fear slowly crept in my heart. I felt my heart tighten as I heard SPECIFIC words spoken to me. Words such as “FEAR, HARM, and RAPE.”

As soon as I felt the fear, I immediately prayed and asked God to remove them from my mind and protect me from whatever attack that was. After praying, I remember feeling the fear still, so I continued to open my heart to the Lord. I reminded myself that He was in control, good, sovereign, and loving, no matter what. I  also recited verses in my head, verses about who He is and the promises that He has for us.  After doing so, I closed my hand and pounded my heart as I rebuked the fear and lies in Jesus’ name. By that time, I was already inside our village and was about to park when this song randomly played in my Spotify playlist: “Don’t Be Afraid” by Brandon Heath:

For the one who keeps it all inside
Or the one who says: No, I’m just fine
For the one who hurts too much to cry
Don’t be afraid
For the one who knows but will not say
Or the one who’s blinded by the pain
Anyone just trying to be brave

Don’t lose faith
Don’t lose heart
He is with you wherever you are
Don’t give up
When you fall apart
He is with you

You gave Him your heart
He’s keeping it safe
When you’re in the dark
Caught up in the fray
Wherever you are
Whatever you face
You’re held in the arms
That nothing can break
So don’t be afraid

I took a deep breath as I thanked the Lord for His reassurance and the security that we have in Him. Tonight, I was reminded of the importance of these three things:

1) NOT TO LET SIN LINGER ANY LONGER – During the attack, I remembered Ephesians 4:27 which says: “and do not give the devil a foothold.”  N O T  E V E N  A  H I N T. I saw how Satan can use our sins (even our anxieties) to try to distort our view of God and His truths.

2) REMEMBER WHO GOD IS AND WHO WE ARE IN HIM – 1 John 4:4 says “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.” How ironic that this happened right after I listened to songs about God’s Word and the day after I posted a blog about making 1 John 4:4 a reminder for me this new year. But somehow, God allowed these moments to happen for a reason. Tonight was a reminder for me to be intentional in seeking the Lord and His Word each day.

3) KEEP MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE – I cannot grow in my spiritual walk without being honest and accountable to God and people who will lovingly rebuke me and pray for me, when needed. It says in James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” By God’s grace, I pray that I will continue to improve in this aspect. Thank you, prayer warriors, for fighting with me, on your knees.

Hello, 2020!

N O T  O F  T H I S  W O R L D

One of my favorite lines. A constant encouragement I told myself almost every day last 2019 (with the help of a sticker reminder at the back of my phone 😅).

As I stood in front of this glass window inside the Taipei 101 observatory, I knew I had to document a memory of it. It reminded me of the song I wrote last year after going through a difficult time. I found myself singing it again today with a hopeful heart:

🎶 In these times when my faith is shaken
In these times when I begin to lose hope
You remind me that You are still with me, Jesus
You tell me that I’m never alone
And that this isn’t my home.
I’m not of this world,
This isn’t my home. 🎶

1 John 4:4
Philippians 3:20

These things I keep in mind and in my heart this 2020. Thank You, Jesus!

 

HELLO, 2020!

12 Highlights of My 2019

At the start of 2019, I wrote the verses below in my journal as I found comfort in the Lord. I can’t believe it’s been a year, but He has been waking me up for the past 365 days and I can only thank the Lord for His grace and goodness.

Continuing a tradition I’ve done since 2016, here are the 12 highlights of my year. :)


1. ATE’S WEDDING IN HAWAII / KOSHI FAMILY

My eldest sister (Camille) married the man of her prayers (Erin) who loves Jesus and her. Hehehe. From the beginning of their dating relationship up until today, our family has been witnessing God’s grace in their love story. I am sooo grateful for the Koshi family. We love you Erin, Uncle Ray, Auntie Sylvia, Cory, Dee, Rylen, Kayla, and the fluffs (Barley and Brewser)!

 

2. FAMILY TRAVELS TO USA AND TAIWAN

It was our first time to travel as a complete family (with our sister-in-law and niece) to the USA last March to April. After decades of waiting, we had the privilege of spending time touring the States with our relatives who live there. Also, during the last few days of December, the single ones in our family went to Taiwan with our parents too. In both trips, we saw God’s grace and hand of protection and provision.

 

3. PINGPONG TOURNAMENT

Last 2017, my partner and I won the third place during our office’ pingpong tournament. Last 2018, I decided to take a break. Last 2019, despite so many health hurdles during the competition, by God’s grace, He allowed me and my partner to win the championship! More than the award, I appreciate how intentional God was in helping my heart grow in humility and dependence on Him.

4. BIBLE STUDY AT WORK (continuation)

It has been four years since the Lord impressed on my heart to start a Bible study group at work. Although some of them already resigned, we were able to invite new colleagues and spend time getting to know each other as we studied God’s word.


5. COUNSELING

Last 2019, I found a growing desire for counseling as more and more opportunities came and I received affirmations from the Lord, family, and friends. This happened around the time when our family went through restoration of broken relationships last Summer.

6. DGROUP

It has been almost two years since I joined my new dgroup family and I thank the Lord for each one of them. I can’t even begin to describe how I am able to see and experience the love of Christ and learn humility from this group. I am so grateful for the Wednesday nights we got to spend together.

7. SONGWRITING (17 songs)

By God’s grace, this year, He allowed me to compose seventeen full songs (15 English and 2 Tagalog ones). Each song was inspired by personal moments, struggles, Bible verses, and conversations with the Lord. God molded my heart, voice, and hands in the process of applying songwriting and I thank the Lord as I look back on the purpose He had even for the painful times behind the songs.

 

8. BOYCE AVENUE

Many years ago, I used to think that if I do get the chance to travel to Europe or the US, I would want to watch my favorite acoustic band perform live. In God’s perfect timing, during our trip to the US last 2019, I was able to squeeze in attending Boyce Avenue’s concert at Anaheim, California and met the band for the fifth time! Haha.

 

9. HEALTH & CAR CONCERNS

Two seasons last 2019 were very difficult for me as I experienced concerns with my health and car. These lasted for months and I remember how the Lord used them to humble my heart and speak to me. My life and material things are not my own and whatever the Lord allows me to experience won’t change the fact that He will always be good and faithful.

 

10. SEVENTH YEAR AT WORK / PROMOTION

I celebrated my seventh year at our company and got a promotion last 2019! Woohoo! This is only by the grace of God!

11. FOUR WEDDINGS

I had the privilege of witnessing the weddings (and marriages) of my supervisor, dgroupmates, and dear friends from church last 2019. Thank you for letting me be part of your special journey.

 

12. BEST FRIENDS

Growing with my best friends last 2019 was an amazing experience for me. From all the heartfelt talks to roadtrips and coffee dates! I praise God for each one of them and for all the memories we have shared, including the victories, struggles, and transitions together. You know who you are. Hehe. Love you, guys!

Hello, 2020! Here we go, Lord! :)

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About Me

My name is Nicole Obligacion and I started this blog because I was inspired by Hebrews 10:24 and Hebrews 3:13. I love to eat, cook, bake, read the Bible, and encourage. :)

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